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religulous and it's strange effect

I, admittedly, have one of those ridiculously addictive personalities. Meaning? I can't like things, I can only love them. I just finished Religulous and I found it to be not only smart and poignant, but also to have raised some internal questions within myself. This isn't a feeling I would ever lust towards, but I find that since this JUST occured, I can't shake it or brush it off.

The questions Maher asks ultimately deal with faith -- blind faith more accurately -- in the gentleness of Jesus, God or Allah and just exactly how rational people can believe and follow such irrational things. Though I have never been a holy person and have entered churches and synagogues on rare occassion, I DO consider myself somewhat spiritual. Meaning? When we were in 11th grade and learning about transcendentalism, the idea and the movement spoke to me and I found myself viewing God (in my opinion) in nature and life and the planet we live on. However, I have *no* connection or feeling to or towards any Jesus Christ and I was not ever the least bit part of Catholism. Baptised Episcopal, raised non-religious, I found myself finding my religious, if we can call it that, footing on my own at a later stage of life (all things considered) and it really was on the basis of I felt that there is some form of creator/watchman/protector who has things in order... all the ducks in a row... who makes themself seen in the beauty of the world. Call it fucked, I don't care much for critique.

It started to feel liberating in many ways to have a clearer feeling about my beliefs but also a little burdening. There was no one to talk to or relate to (since I come from a mixed-bag family ranging all over the map and date someone who thinks all religion is out the door). There was really a sense of disconnect... I "wanted" religion but was feeling something based on "non-religion." Antiestablishmentarianism - God & me and no one else, right? So I learned VERY VERY VERY quickly, through Christmas trips to a Catholic church, that CATHOLICS are NOT for me. This was sensed anyway because, like I said, Jesus is no prophet in my book. Something about the ritualistic non-thinking-ness of it all.. the incredible mindless chanting on and on just because it's Christmas, people having no real connection to the church or the story or the holiday or anything turned me off instantly. In my past, while working @ B&N, I attempted a visit to St. Mark's, the church of my baptism in Islip and I bailed on the basis of a Eucharist in the program and a general feeling of being too-Jesus-y. I gave up my search for a long time between those 2 periods and I contimplated a switch - formal or informal - to Judaism. Why not?? They're pretty God-ly people and it seemed like a glove that might fit. Perhaps I chose the wrong synagogue to give it a go with, but it was pretty unwelcoming. I attended a not-for-really-Jewish-Jews Hanukkah event @ the synagogue in Babylon. Since then I found out they're quite conservative and I still might give it a go at a more liberal one... But why? I just feel like it would be nice to belong. To have a place to go one or two times a month and feel part of something.

What did this movie tell me? Maybe that isn't such a great goal to be aspiring for. Maybe my individuality and level-headedness in the grand scheme of things is far more important and requires, DEMANDS, to be protected, is worth guarding and being thankful for. I still have my faith, little as it may be, but in this short time post-viewing I have a feeling that my desire to be part of one of the established religions is a futile and metaphorically sacrilegious to keep pursuing.


So yea.
It was real good.